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Dance in the pain
For the last month or so, when not dragging my gimpy sciatica stressed left leg around the British Council, I have been mainly resting in bed. Me in bed makes Roso happy and here she is snuggling into my hair and telling me everything is gonna be okay. Hers isn't the only positive message I have been receiving. A few days ago a friend posted the following on the northlands:
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain".
Simple bordering on trite yet it struck a chord. I have been waiting for the storm to pass for a while now and instead the clouds seem to get darker, and more full of rain. As much as I have loved it in the past 13 years I am ready to leave Thailand. Yet emigration to the US is as elusive as it was 3 months ago and will remain so until we find a co-sponsor. In the meantime friends are starting new lives of the kind I desire - Ian (who will one day I am sure be Yorkshire Ian) in England and Richard in his poetic Portuguese farmhouse, and I look at my grey skies and sigh.
What exactly do I want? (It helps I believe to be specific when wishing, whether on stars or rainclouds). I want to own a house with Wolf. I want to live in a place without needing a visa. I want to belong to somewhere - and not feel like an interloper or a tourist. I want to work but have nothing to do with TEFL teachers (sorry guys). I want to be able to ride a bike and walk without being drenched in sweat. I want large skies, fresh air, nature, fours seasons and peaches and raspberries in the summer. I want to feel well and full of inspiration.
I also want to stop wanting. Waiting isn't the problem, wanting the waiting to end is.
In the meantime I need to get past the debilitating stress that is filling my body with pain and my soul with anxiety. I need to believe that finishing work in October and facing an uncertain future won't kill me. I need to dance in the rain.
So the first small step to dancing is to tell myself our wishes will come true. We will get to Minnesota and the second North (the first being Northern Thailand) of my imagining will become real. Just bear with me, okay?
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5 comments:
Such an inspiring post :)
I know that you can do anything you put your mind to. Your wants WILL happen, but waiting for them is the most frustrating thing. It'll all fall into place when the time is right.
I love the picture too :)
Sending you good wishes...I know this is probably going to sound useless, but there were many times in my early years when I thought my heart would break from not managing to achieve the things I wanted to, not least of which was living in the country. I am very blessed now, but I can remember the dark years and how hard I strived, as you are, to get the things I wanted. And it did take many, many years of knockbacks and striving. Hang on in there - things DO get better, eventually.
Aw it is good to know people can find inspiration even from my maudlin moments Rae - and I like that picture too, having a pussy on your head brings out the best in everyone :D
Thanks Gretel, your blogs (yes I am now addicted to both) are my inspiration, a a lovely reminder that the achievement of dreams is hard work and yet a realilty. It is heartening to know that you weathered a storm or two and emerged dancing - beautifully.
I know so intimately the way you feel...though I've lived right here in this town for all but about a year of my life. But having that uncertainty, knowing that someone else has control of your life, your family, your dreams, and knowing that they really don't give a shit about it is torture. Some days I don't think about it, other days it nearly crushes me with it's weight. I HATE IT!!!
But I know with enough hard work, enough faith, and belief that I AM worthy of having my dreams come true they WILL COME TRUE. Because I met the man of my dreams (and sometimes nightmares, I ain't gonna lie) and he lived in CANADA. Me, a backwoods Okie girl. And he left the country he's so proud of to live here with my three small children and insane family. And we had a baby together. Now we've bought a house. This is how things are supposed to be. So I have to believe that the next step in the dream will happen too.
You have a lot of the same story, though you had an bigger obstacle to tackle!! Two divorces and an ocean. You're together, you're so blissfully in love, and you know where you're headed. I know it's gonna happen. For us both. <3
Yes!
... you see what happens when I try to sound positive: an empty silence.
But for what it's worth, I wish you well, and that is all I can do; not being able to know for certain what will happen, or even if I will able to finish this comment before a meteorite dinosaurs us all, but I certainly hope it does (succeed for you, I mean, not the meteorite bit).
Sciatica, eh? Yikes! They say it's hell on Earth. The root cause of the problem, I feel, is moving onto two legs, an evolutionary error, and I suggest a wolfish disposition forthwith. I'll howl at the moon to change your fortune.
Lovely photo too. You look like one of teen students from last year!
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